Monday, September 2, 2013
What Recovery Feels Like (so far..)
It's been about a week since I discharged from treatment, and I've spent that time 'doing' recovery on my own. Holy shit. Not only did school start (I've just started a completely new academic career as a Vet Tech student), but I had no time between the end of treatment and the start of school to see if I could be compliant on my own. I was scared shitless, and everyone around me was concerned it would be too much. But school started last week, and you know what...I'm still doing recovery like a champ. It feels weird to brag about it, but I'm fucking proud, and I want people to know it is possible. It's so far from easy right now, but I'm doing it. It's a struggle every day to make sure I don't slip (or make a slip happen). I have definitely had a few slips, but I try and learn from them instead of beating myself up over them. My mind is less occupied with ed thoughts, which makes room for more 'real world' thoughts. Not engaging in behaviors (including no exercise-holy shit is that hard) means I have a shit ton of free time, too. That's hard to deal with right now. I feel like I need to be doing something 24/7-I wrote about that in my blog 'Getting Down to Busyness'. I'm trying to find new things to engage in, but mostly I've stuck to listening to music. Which is an amazing way to spend your time, by the way. I'm not even that picky about the music, as long is it either matches my mood or lifts my mood if I'm down.
Anyway, back to doing the recovery piece at school. School is hard. Really hard. Chemistry, Biology, Anatomy and Physiology...yeah, tons of fun. But I know it will lead to a life change, so I'm fully invested. I am having a hard time with the fact that we will be working with live (and dead) animals, but I will save that for a later post. As for how I'm handling my recovery and school at the same time, I'm planning ahead. A LOT. I'm packing full lunch boxes with snacks and meals everyday. I carry a massive insulated bag with my lunch box and juice and soymilk, so I'm probably getting some sort of reputation, but what the hell. I'm being compliant, damn it. Like it or leave it. Home is easy-during the week especially-but weekends are hard. So much down time. There we go again with the busyness.
Body consciousness is also playing a huge part in my recovery. I'm starting to really notice how my body has changed, and I'm struggling to accept it. It's so, so freaking hard. I look in the mirror every morning and see someone who has morphed into a new person. I make harsh judgments and don't give my wise mind room to fight them. I am working on this aspect of my recovery, but I imagine it will take some time. I had never even thought body image was a problem for me, so it will take a while to work on.
Finally...no exercise. WOW. I want to exercise so badly, but I'm not allowed to at this point in my recovery, and I am actually accepting it. Every other time I've gotten out of treatment, I've gone right back the next day. Not now. I'm walking my dogs, and that's all I'm allowed. I'm trying to be ok with the situation, and it gets a tiny bit easier as time goes on, but there are days where my urges are insane.
S0. That's where I am in a nutshell. That's what recovery is like for me, and maybe it will help or inform someone else looking for someone else's story. I'm far from recovery, but I believe it is possible, and I'm starting to believe that I'm on my way.