Yes, it's that time again. School officially starts again tomorrow, and I'm trying to get myself psyched up for another semester of SUPER FUN CLASSES. Kidding. I do love learning, so I'm looking forward to getting back into the groove of things. My classes will be really challenging, but this break has not been as relaxing or refreshing as I wanted it to be. Without having something to focus on (say, school), I've been more focused on food and exercise. Not a good thing.
I was in a pretty bad spot for a while, to be honest. I was really struggling to gain my footing, and have been doing a lot of soul-searching. I'm back on the right path, but everyday is a reminder of how hard this battle is. I want it to get easier, and I hope it does with time, but I know I need to work hard to get there.
School will be a good thing for me. It will challenge me, keep my focused on my goals, and provide me with the stimulation I've been sorely lacking this past month (there's only so much time I can spend on the computer or watching re-runs of Parks and Recreation). Actually, I take that back-I could watch Parks and Rec all day-if the eating disorder didn't count that as being lazy. Yes, the eating disorder counts watching TV as being lazy. Ergo, I don't watch much TV until nighttime when the eating disorder has quieted down. Rationally, I know watching TV or movies or sitting and reading don't mean I'm lazy, but the eating disorder tells me I should constantly be doing something other than sitting and relaxing, so this hasn't exactly been a restful break. I have done a ton of journaling, a lot of mindless internet browsing, some yoga, and a lot of cooking and baking that I won't have time for once school starts...tomorrow.
I am working really hard to get myself to a better place mentally and physically, and I know school will help with that. Less time to ruminate over my meal plan, how much exercise I'm getting (or am allowed to get, I should say), less time to sit at home and focus on how anxious I am re: the eating disorder. The eating disorder is far less powerful when it has to take a backseat, and it certainly will take the backseat to school. It did last semester, and I'm fairly confident it will this semester.
I have a huge motivator other than school, too. My little sister is getting married (!!!) in February, and I am her matron of honor. I want to make her and my family proud, not worried for my health.
I don't want to keep carrying this eating disorder around with me. I'm so sick of it, and so fed up with its demands. They are always unfair, always unhealthy, and always put me and those I love in precarious positions. I have been fighting the good fight over here all month since I've been off, but it's time to kick it up a notch.
The demands of school won't last forever, though. I am working on finding ways to relax, finding ways to quiet the ed voices, and finding outlets for my anxiety that are healthy instead of destructive. This is where it gets hard. I've had this eating disorder for too long, and while I've said it before, I'll say it again- I do NOT want to be a poster child for anorexia. I want to be a recovery story. And I will be, as long as I remind myself that I deserve to be kind to my body, deserve to feed and nurture my body, and deserve to fuel my body in a healthful way.
I am anxious about starting school again- who wouldn't be? But I know it I'll get used to the routine, and I'll get used to being bombarded by work and projects and labs and exams... all of that good stuff that comes with being a student. That's a part of me that the eating disorder can't take away. It can't take away how strong I am, or how determined I am to win this battle. It can't take away how much I love being with animals, and how excited I am that I am in a program where I get to do exactly that. There's a lot it can't take away, and I'm proud of that.
So if you don't hear from me for a while, it's because I'm immersed in Microbiology or Algebra (suck it) or something equally as fun-filled.
That's all I have for you today. Maybe next time I'll write a post about the joys of college math! NOT.